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Jesse Hassenger

Tomatometer-approved critic
Biography:

Jesse Hassenger is a Brooklyn-based writer and critic. His work can be read at The A.V. Club, Polygon, The Week, SportsAlcohol, and others. His dumb jokes can be read on Twitter @rockmarooned.

Reviews

Movies TV Shows
Dracula (2025) 54% B- EDIT “In the hands of Jones and Besson, this Dracula is… kind of a dumb-ass.” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review They Will Kill You (2026) 64% B- EDIT “Though They Will Kill You is not a true original, it manages to do a little more than bounce around the John Wick-to-Deadpool spectrum” – AV Club Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice (2026) 76% C- EDIT “Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice is one of those would-be genre-mashers eager to call itself a sci-fi buddy-action gangster rom-com, despite not actually having much of any of them. ” – AV Club Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Hoppers (2026) 94% B EDIT “Unlike a lot of its animated competitors, Hoppers is at its best when it’s most manic.” – AV Club Apr 16, 2026 Full Review The Super Mario Galaxy Movie (2026) 43% C EDIT “The Super Mario Galaxy Movie settles for moments of visual inspiration that replicate the little rushes of opening up new worlds in one of the games, while letting almost every character stagnate into bland affability” – AV Club Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Cold Storage (2026) 80% B EDIT “Cold Storage makes horror-comedy look as easy and appealing as it’s supposed to be.” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Psycho Killer (2026) 9% D+ EDIT “Psycho Killer shows some kinship between the psychos and the killers: Both types of movies can be insultingly, irretrievably stupid.” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review The Bluff (2026) 55% B- EDIT “At its lean and efficient best, the movie feels sort of like a pirate take on a violent Western. As its most generic, it feels like any other limited-location action thriller,” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Forbidden Fruits (2026) 73% B EDIT “In the translation from stage to screen, the filmmakers create a clever generational dissonance.” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Alpha (2025) 58% B+ EDIT “Unlike so many horror filmmakers, Ducourneau doesn’t seem fixated on inherited trauma, so much as the ongoing trauma of living in an imperfect world with a deeply fallible body. ” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Scream 7 (2026) 30% C- EDIT “If a Scream movie forgoes horror talk or broader pop culture for a story about a mother trying in vain to protect her child from trauma, isn’t it just another middling legacy sequel?” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Faces of Death (2026) 68% B- EDIT “It’s both a canny contemporary riff on the material and a well-made but only moderately scary slasher.” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Thrash (2026) 43% C+ EDIT “Wirkola doesn’t cut between the stories in a way that ratchets up tension; he’s more talented at moving things along than actually wringing the maximum suspense out of every scene. ” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Lee Cronin's The Mummy (2026) 46% B EDIT “Cronin has figured out a new, more cleverly ghastly route into the mummy mythology, preying on parental fears and playing up the squishy pliability of the human form.” – Polygon Apr 16, 2026 Full Review Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die (2025) 82% B EDIT “Verbinski’s film never errs on the side of moderation and trying to find some bizarre common ground between annihilation and survival.” – Decider Feb 13, 2026 Full Review GOAT (2026) 85% B- EDIT “It’s antic, sure, and has plenty of middling jokes. But Will makes a sweet-natured and earnest hero, and it’s particularly nice to see a movie where a young male unabashedly hero-worships a female athlete” – AV Club Feb 13, 2026 Full Review The Moment (2026) 67% C+ EDIT “It all contributes to the impression that Charli herself may be growing sick of her brat era, which she ultimately bids goodbye with considerable cheek.” – AV Club Jan 31, 2026 Full Review Send Help (2026) 93% B EDIT “Raimi and the screenwriters instead keep the audience off-balance by getting playfully coy about who or what we should be rooting for in this situation. ” – AV Club Jan 31, 2026 Full Review Melania (2026) 10% 1/5 EDIT “ Melania mistakes its subject’s fame for star quality, and mistakes a life of leisure for one of accomplishment and importance, forcing Ratner to create a film that’s all lazy patchwork.” – Decider Jan 31, 2026 Full Review Return to Silent Hill (2026) 18% 2/5 EDIT “It turns out, making a horror movie where the hero is more casually curious (or oblivious) than scared is a tricky proposition.” – Guardian Jan 21, 2026 Full Review Mercy (2026) 25% C- EDIT “If this is the future of crime thrillers, everyone needs their screentime severely curtailed.” – AV Club Jan 21, 2026 Full Review 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple (2026) 92% B+ EDIT “It’s a neat surprise that Nia DaCosta extracts more dark humor from the series than Danny Boyle.” – AV Club Jan 14, 2026 Full Review Greenland 2: Migration (2026) 48% 2/5 EDIT “This sequel doubles down on its predecessor’s earnestness, to the point of alternating between grimly offing side characters at random and then getting all maudlin about its own pitilessness.” – Guardian Jan 14, 2026 Full Review Primate (2025) 78% B EDIT “On a cold January night, you’re in good genre-exercise hands.” – AV Club Jan 14, 2026 Full Review We Bury the Dead (2024) 88% B EDIT “We Bury the Dead isn’t as boldly stylized as either of Danny Boyle’s forays into zombieland, but it does benefit from location shooting, the steady clarity of Hilditch’s compositions, and Ridley’s haunted yet determined performance. ” – Polygon Jan 14, 2026 Full Review
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